How do you find yourself where you are right now? Any one particular event or events lead to where you are right now? Well I've thought about this for a bit and here is what I've come up with from where I find myself.
It's been a strange year to date, to say the least. Although most everyone in the world would agree with that first statement, to fully explain myself I should start back in the summer of 2019.
My second son was born the July of 2019. In the summer heat I found myself with a body I didn't recognize, I had to say goodbye to the mother I had learned to be and by trial and error learn to become this new mom.
Any bit of rooting I had as a parent was being rocked to the core.
You might say that, the rocking has now stopped, but no, it is ever present. Learning to balance, sway, and maybe even one day learn to dance to this new beat is how I am making peace with it. There was a moment when I found myself holding my breath, as if I could wait out the difficult parts, things would pass, and return to what used to be. Now I know things are changed, and they will continue to do so, so I better be adapting and not waiting for the stars to align so I can live again.
You might think, holy crap! What happened, like there is a secret reveal on its way- no. I simple had another child, there doesn't necessarily need to be any subatomic catastrophe for things to be rattled and changed beyond recognition in one way or another. I may have walked into parenthood with my eyes firmly sealed, but I didn't think so. I am truly happy and would never change the fact that I am a parent. I welcome the changes, I just realized late in the game, that I am one of those people that learn by experience and as much as I could have theorized, I had no idea before going through parenthood what it would be.
After my first son, I had a deep desire to seperate myself from my own parents and brothers. I was making my own family, taking a step away the past and moving into the future, forming a family of my very own.
This second time around I have had a very different reaction, I wanted my mom to be there. I gained a new appreciation for my mom, I hadn't had when first becoming a parent, that I did the second time around. My love for my parents grew more in the years after my first son's birth, than it had in the first 25 years of my life.
The year following my second son's birth was mapped out so I could spend quite a lot more time with my parents than usual. I've lived a world away from them for just over a decade. So after that period apart my plan was, for the next three months, move into my father's senior community home and settling in with an four and a half year old and a four month old. My days consisted of video chatting with my husband, many naps, all the while doing my very best to entertain an almost five year old.
No surprise my best was not very good.
But we made it until Christmas, and my husband joined us for a sunny 25th of December. On a side note, while I was in California from October, we had began the process of bidding and ultimately purchasing a home with our very close friends. A home outside the city where two families can live, like a duplex. It's been a dream for a while that we live with another family and raise our kids together. Our new 'roommates' were pregnant and we couldn't have been more excited for this new adventure.
Mid-January just as the headlines began to cover Covid-19 in California, we were headed home to Denmark. We quickly packed our apartment up and soon enough found ourselves nesting two families and eating daily dinners together.
Before the dust could settle on our moving boxes, we were off on a ski holiday. It may seemed like we were traveling a lot for a young family, and if you ask me, I would agree with you. In many ways timing was on my side, as stay at home orders from the government were looming, we were ready to be rooted down in one place.
Being ready to get my son in a routine going back to daycare, and having a one-on-one period each day with baby Mateo, being in our new home was welcome. Unbeknownst to me what would happen on our ski holiday that would lead to Walter's hiatus from daycare to stretch from three months into an almost six month period. The eldest broke his leg.
So as I was really eager to get back to normal, have a routine, organize a new home- normal wasn't going to happen. Of course we made our way through eight, plus or minus weeks, of hospital visits, and new casts, many many mornings of cartoons, and drawing everything under the sun. And as we were reaching the end of that forced seclusion, and just as getting back into daycare would be possible....
Institutions were being closed and, or not accepting new pupils. So the start date for Walter was pushed back again. At this point Walter had been home with me from the end of October until March. He and I were very close yet very far away, with a new baby in the mix. We each had to find ourselves and each other in our new roles as mom of two, big brother. We ended up sharing a lot of time together and it was great and hard all wrapped into one. And we are still making it to the otherside even to this day.
At this very moment in time, as corona lockdown was initiated, a new baby had been born in our home. So as much of the world was observing what Corona was doing globally, we had plenty to observe right under our own roof. In this lucky instance, a retreat was naturally occurring in half our household. Staying in to greet their new baby, spend time as not just two, but three, a family.
We had a great time supporting them with hot meals and cozy talks. The momentum around this happy occurrence probably saved me. Coming off the ski holiday injury with Walter, I was about as close to bat crazy as ever. The living in boxes and juggling two very different, but very dependent children, it had taken a toll.
As the timeline around the world was playing out, I had my own timeline to consider. I was about to end my own maternity leave that may or may not allow me to work as I once did. But honestly I would have been in a panic regardless of the pandemic, and I think most working moms can relate. The shock of motherhood is big, and at whatever point you then add a job to the mix, demands that are more rigid and regulated seems quite daunting. Showing up on time seems an unreasonable demand when including kids, so from where I sat nerves of steel would be required over night when the time came to go beyond what was already being asked of me...
FYI in hindsight now, I blew things a bit out of proportion, things do work out, and I struggle still, but I get along just fine. It just illustrates the perception I had at the time, which is of course just a projected prediction of the future, but nonetheless very real to my at the time.
So as lockdown was taking full effect, we were in a full house for those first two weeks. From where I sat, it felt like the world had joined me on maternity leave, just on the eve of when I was about to be unleashed. It had this feeling of one of those fables we were told as children. That one story about the girl who wishes she is more beautiful than her friends. Then one day she wakes up to all her friends looking slightly less attractive, she looks the same, and yet her wish came true. For me it was that I wanted to be like everyone else, living my life.... And now the world was just like me, sitting at home.
The slowing down, the global perspective of change toward sustainability- I full heartedly agree we weren't living a "normal" existence. Lots needs to change for the world to gain more equity and equality.
As I am looking back now, on a day we are having an election, November 3rd 2020. I am scared and hopeful. I will try not to hold my breath, and wait for the difficult times to pass, or go to some more familiar state, As I found motherhood, maybe this uncertainty is something I will need to learn with to live with, and maybe one day thrive with. So regardless the presidential election's outcome... I'll work to create a space that is for an open mind, a strong body and a happy heart. Because when we take care of ourselves, when we know our own minds we can move in the world to a degree that is from compassion and grace. It may be hard to to do if the world takes a turn we do not approve or wish for, but we don't practice for the easy days, we practice for the days that will challenge and demand the best from us. So I will try. And I hope you will try with me.
We find ourselves here in Denmark, under new restrictions as precautions when cases are on the rise, and we see again to the south conditions become more worrisome. So let's work together to make our minds focus on the good, prepare for what may come and make tomorrow a bit better.
I have been exploring a way to go into business for myself, and so we find one another, with great help from my partner.
So this in a way leads me to this website. Maybe one day this meeting place will be physical, but at the moment virtual seems the best option. So I am so happy to have shared the short, ok long story of how I've come to create this space. I could go on and on, but I will not. I hope you've got a stronger sense of me, where I am in life, how I approach things and a bit of what I am about, in making this space. I hope you'll join me on this journey and see where it leads us.